Ready

Oh, my bags are packed, I'm ready to go...

I have been procrastinating on the whole pack for the hospital thing. Most pregnancy books recommend doing this at 36 or 37 weeks, but I kept finding reasons to put it off. Part of me knew, I think, that once the bags were packed, I would get really impatient for labour. It is that mental thing: Alright. I'm ready. Let's do this thing.

I am so happy to be heading into this birth without the apprehension I had the first time. Fear of the unknown and fear of losing control dominated my thoughts as I approached my first birth, which ended up being a very difficult experience for me. For a long time, I couldn't even relay my birth story to another without getting a catch in my throat. However, in an unexpected way, working through our miscarriage last February helped me put all the fears and regrets from my first birth behind me, allowing me to approach this birth with the quiet confidence that I will be able to cope with whatever happens.

Packing my bags gave me the opportunity to align my emotional self with my practical self. I mean, feeling ready for birth is huge, and very important. But I am actually practically ready? A positive mental attitude can only get me so far. I still need clean clothes.

When I started researching the lists of what to pack for the hospital, I got a little overwhelmed. Every book and website has different items listed, and most are directed at an American audience, where it is more important to pack your own products, lest you be charged at the hospital for them. It was hard for me to tease out what I would actually need, and what would be a waste of space. Drawing on my memories from my first birth, some good information on what is provided by the LDRP suites in the Canadian hospital where I will be delivering, and the advice in all the lists I had read, I finally came up with the hospital bag list that works for us.

If you are checking out this post for practical reasons:
I say 'hospital bag', but that is really misleading. I ended up packing three bags: one each for mommy, daddy, and baby. You will notice I left some things off the list that many others have, like diapers, or a cd player, for example. That is because I know that these things are available at no cost at my hospital. Always check out what your hospital will provide when making your own list. I also have adjusted my list according to my personal preferences. I won't be bringing a nightgown or tshirt for labour, because I know from my first birth that I will probably only be comfortable naked, and otherwise a hospital gown is fine with me. I will be bringing my own breast pump, because I hated the electric one I had to use at the hospital last time, and I am bringing my yoga mat, too. Your list can reflect your own preferences.

Mom's bag - a medium suitcase

• Comfort items for during labour. I chose a number of my favourite instrumental relaxation CDs, a yummy lip balm (my lips cracked with all the blowing last time), and my yoga mat (packed separately, in a carry bag). Birth balls and CD players are supplied at my hospital.
  
• Information. I have printed several copies of my birth preferences for my labour support team, and have also packed my favourite birth book and a list of ways to help labour progress that I got off of the Dr. Sears website. Having my information along is a comfort measure for me.
  
• Maternity bathing suit. This I may not need, but if I don't want to be naked in the whirlpool or shower, now I don't have to be. It is a two-piece tankini, so I can always just wear the top, if that is most comfortable.
• Food and drink. Last time, I hated my hospital food (especially breakfast), and vending machines get too expensive. I have packed a couple of bottles of water, four cans of apple juice, dried apricots and granola bars.
  
• Clothes for in the hospital, after the birth. I chose a very comfy stretch pair of pajamas, my bathrobe, and spa socks. I like to be cozy, and nightgowns are so not me. I also packed a supportive nursing bra.
  
• Light diversions. There may be downtime, depending on what happens, and I may be awake when the baby is not. I have packed my knitting, and my Sudoku book, with a pen.
• Clothes to wear home from the hospital. I chose low-rise maternity jeans, a t shirt and a hoodie. Don't forget socks and underwear.
• Toiletries. This was the trickiest for me. How do I pack my bathroom routine, when I will still need most things out? Some things, like my shampoo and conditioner, I poured into travel containers, and packed that way. The other things, I cleared a space for in the bathroom, and will pack the day we leave. See below.

When labour begins, it is simple to grab the bottles, toss them in the Ziploc, and throw everything into my suitcase. In the meantime, I can use them from here.

Dad's bag - a carry-on size shoulder bag

• Comfort and diversion items for Dad. Don't laugh. Birth is tiring and emotional for men, too, and there is a lot of pressure on them to do everything right. In my husband's bag, you can find a bag of his favourite candy, his Nintendo DS, and the book he is reading right now.
• Swim trunks. These are good to have along in case you want your husband to go into the shower or whirlpool with you.
  
• Change of clothes. Let your husband pack this himself. Mine chose a clean shirt, and a change of socks and underwear. Other guys might want more.
  
• Address book with phone numbers, and cell phone. I am leaving the responsibility of making the phone calls to him, so I can focus on recovering and getting started on a breastfeeding relationship with baby.
  
• Camera, with extra batteries. Talk to your husband about when you would like photos, and when to leave the camera in the bag.
  

Baby's bag - a large diaper bag

• Clothes. These are little, so I packed quite a few. If there are any diaper leaks, we are ready. I have onesies, footed pants, and sleepers along. Also, a hat, because my baby will be born in winter.
  
• Baby blankets. My hospital has these, but they wash them with such harsh detergents that Nik's newborn skin was reacting to them. This time, I have packed four thin receiving blankets, and a reversible flannel blanket, that is square, and good for swaddling.
• Baby sling. I have a fitted cotton sling that will be good for nursing and/or kangaroo care after the birth.
• Breast pump and accessories. I have packed my pump, storage jars, and microwave sterilizing bag (made by Medela). I also included my tube of PureLan, just in case.
  
• Car seat. This isn't in the bag, but it is for baby, so I will include it here. The base is installed in the car, and the seat with bunting bag and extra blanket (due to cold weather) will come into the hospital with us.

And so, we are in a waiting game now. I just found out that a cousin with a similar due date to mine headed into her hospital today... My turn could be soon. Time will tell.

10 things

When Nik was born, I had no identity as a mother. I had parenting ideas, sure, but they were untested, and mostly revolved around teaching good behaviour. When it came to nurturing, nutrition, activity, sleep... I had no philosophies or ideals. I really didn't know what we believed when it came to raising children.

I am still far from having all the answers, but I believe I have made a solid beginning. When we welcome our second child, I will already know at least some of what is important to us, and what kind of parents we want to be.

So here is my list of ten. Ten things I've learned, ten pieces of advice for the me of almost 3 years ago, ten rules for a new mom... Everyone has their own ten, and my ten may be different a year from today, as I am sure it would have been different a year ago.

My Ten:

1. Do all you can to be able to breastfeed your baby.
2. Food from scratch is better than food from a box.
3. Anything you can reuse is better than something you throw away.
4. The best toys don't need batteries.
5. At night, do whatever helps everyone get the most sleep, with the least amount of tears.
6. Say 'yes' when you can, and say 'no' when you need to.
7. Yelling is never as satisfying as you expect it to be.
8. Example is worth far more than words.
9. Let them be little.
10. There's always time for a hug.

The risk of reading too much

What a funny little parenting trajectory I have been on. Getting pregnant as a twenty-something career women, I did everything I thought I was supposed to. Attended all my appointments with my GP, switched to OB-GYN visits in the seventh month, bought everything the baby magazines told me I needed, had a lousy hospital birth experience, and took home my struggling-to-nurse newborn son 36 hours after he was born. I planned to care for him "by the book", and expected to be pretty much like the other young parents I knew, with the exception, of course, that my child would be just a little smarter, better adjusted and more well-behaved then their children were. I never anticipated morphing into the mother I am today.

So, to borrow a line from Talking Heads, well, how did I get here? And I think it all started when my son was about 2 months old, and decided sleep is for the weak. (Thanks to amberjee at
http://sleepisfortheweak.wordpress.com/ for bringing humour to this most debilitating of parenting dilemmas). At first, I thought it would pass. It didn't. Then, we tried on that much debated practice of having him "cry it out". And when I said we tried, I mean, for about 5 minutes one desperate night. I can't even pretend we had the stomach for it.

But, I believe in research, right? I figured the answer to this problem is in a book somewhere. Or on the Internet. And I, resident research queen, will find it. What I was really looking for was something to convince me that leaving him to "cry-it-out" was really the best for everyone concerned. If I could just find an argument convincing enough to quell my guilt, I could silence my inner sobbing mama, and muscle through it. But I never found that book or article. Instead, I found increasingly convincing books and articles outlining why I shouldn't do it. Pleading with me, even. Begging me to listen to that inner mama, for my child's sake. And that, folks, was the beginning of my descent into granola land.

The first book I read on the subject was The Baby Sleep Book by Dr. William Sears. Prior to picking up the pink book with the adorable sleeping infant on the cover (the infant I wanted to have living in my house), I had never even heard of the infamous Dr. Sears. Now I could probably tell you everything you never wanted to know about him. Other sleep books that pulled me further into the land of gentle parenting were The No-cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley, and Sleepless in America by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.

And I didn't stop with sleep books. I couldn't! Because these books told me more than how to cope with disturbed sleep. They told me that they believed in my ability to parent. That there was something inside a parent that was superior to empirical research. That it was okay to make my choices from the heart.

For someone who works in a VERY research-based, empirical field, reading these books felt like indulgence in contraband. It was like flirting with the enemy, and I couldn't get enough. So I read more titles from Pantley, Kurcinka and Sears. I added in titles published by La Leche League, and started attending local meetings, where I found more books to read. I read Good Nights by Dr. Jay Gordon, and lost my guilt over co-sleeping. I read The Natural Baby by Janet Balaskas, which helped to normalize breastfeeding, night waking, baby wearing, and responsive parenting. And when I read Lu Hannessian's Let the Baby Drive, the validation high lasted for weeks.

It has not been a perfectly smooth ride, mind you. In my previous post, Fear of a unique path, I described my difficulties in knowing how far to walk along this road, how to decide what is me, and what is just conforming to the alternative crowd. I still do not buy organic, my son is vaccinated, we have plastic toys. But I am much further from the mainstream then I would have guessed 2 years ago. We are still nursing, we cloth diaper, we co-sleep on and off... And it all started with sleepless nights, and the local library. Be careful what you read, my friends. Ideas are powerful things.

Fear of a unique path

There are days when I feel like we are on a totally original parenting path. Choosing not to conform to the parenting choices around us seems to mean choosing to blaze a new trail. No, not in the global sense (we are not inventing totally new ways of doing things), but in a local sense. Being the first of the 'real' people we know, the first among our peers to do things differently, has left us feeling like pioneers, and we've experienced the accompanying sense of aloneness.

I have found that parenting has no autopilot. Every day brings new choices. Even if it is a choice you made yesterday, you have to choose to make the same choice today, or to do it differently. What is more, each choice seems to lead to one camp or another. Once you take the first step in a particular direction, it is hard to know how long to walk that path. Like joining a religious movement or a political party, there is pressure to conform, and I wonder if the "others" will accept us if we don't buy into everything. Can I choose to cloth diaper, but not buy organic? What if I breastfeed, choosing even to nurse past one year, but don't wait for child-led weaning? What if I pick up my son when he cries, never leaving him to sob himself to sleep, but keep him happy in a swing or exersaucer every chance I get? Am I leading a false life if I profess natural parenting, but my home is filled with plastic toys?

Adding to the stress of these external influences, the various schools of thought that make up my internal landscape seem to be at odds with each other as well. Sorting out how to remain true to what I believe, and also parent in a way that is filled with loving kindness, overwhlems me. I feel like a walking oxymoron at times. How can I rectify my respect for leadership and firm moral roots, with my heart's longing for gentle discussion and understanding, and my head's logical assessment of the science behind behaviour? To simplify, how can I belive in both autocracy and democracy, or natural development and behavioural reinforcment, when these things seem to be consistently at odds with one another?

How much easier would it be to just join up with a group and go with the flow? To do everything the same as the majority at church, or in my neighbourhood mom's group, or at my breastfeeding support group, or as the professionals in my workplace... My head is tired from the struggle, from considering things from all the angles, from thinking and thinking about the choices we make for our family, our son.

Is there any way for me to describe sufficiently the longing I have to truly connect with someone in real life? Because of the internet and myriad of published books out there, I am never at a loss to read the words of someone who shares my perspective or passion in any given subject. But message boards and books always leave the speaker at arm's length, only giving such a limited view of that person. Okay, so I know your thoughts on how nuture a child. What about your thoughts on spirituality, nutrition, marriage, work, art, fitness.... and the list goes on and on.

I guess I am afraid of walking a totally unique path, both as a mother, and otherwise. I don't need the whole world to share my perspective on every little thing, but meeting just one other would be nice. My longing for the perfect mentor mom is so pervasive. What a load off of my shoulders it would be to be able to have someone to run to the next time I don't know which way to turn! In my fantasy, she would have just the perfect solution, complete with logical and heartfelt reasons, and it would marry beautifully with the rest of my life. I would leave my meeting with her feeling competent and empowered, knowing just what to do next.

The reality of course, is that my perfect mentor does not exist. Adult life is defined by the struggle, the doubts and regrets, the wondering if you did the right thing, and what you will do next. It is not surprising that these feelings are brought into even sharper relief when undertaking a task as complicated and important as parenting. So we move forward, persistently weaving together our spiritual, moral, intellectual, interpersonal and intuitive knowledges as we come to each fork in the road. May you have God's blessing on the journey.