Baby watch 2011

Still no baby in my arms, but there is some news to share! Yesterday, I saw my OB. My exam results were nearly 4 cm dialated, and 80% effaced. Because I am past my due date now by at least a week, we discussed labour induction methods, and the relative risks and benefits of the different things we can do. We decided to try the membrane sweep in the office that afternoon, leaving me SO crampy last night, but still no baby. When I woke up, I lost my cervical plug, and it was nice to have another sign of progress.

This morning, we went down to the hospital for a fetal assessment. We found out that we are having a girl! We have named her Alexa Marie. It was super exciting to see our little sweetheart on screen. These are the photos from the 3D portion of the ultrasound.
My heart is so full right now, after seeing my little girl stretch, and snuggle in, and pull faces this morning. She is doing great, with lots of clear fluid left to hang out in, and the placenta is not showing any signs of age. If nothing more happens before Tuesday, we have another assessment scheduled for Tuesday morning at 10:00. There is a possibility that the hospital will call to offer induction sometime on Monday, but at this point, I don't think we will take it. My OB had said that if things looked good at the assessment, and baby was still moving a lot by Monday, we could just tell the hospital that we would like to give it just one more day.

Fingers are crossed that we will still have this birth without an IV drip. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Hopefully, my next post will be post-birth!

Still waiting...

↑

Feeling just a little like this.

I am currently a congested mess of impatient hormones. Whilst waiting for this pokey, and apparently comfy, baby to arrive, I have come down with a truly glorious head cold, that, because I am pregnant, I can take absolutely nothing for. Well, Tylenol, I guess. Whee.

BUT, there was a bright spot in my weekend. My order from clothdiapermom was cheerfully delivered on Saturday evening! I am now the proud owner of a 24 diaper Bummis prefold kit, a Bottoms Up 25 reusable wipe kit, and seven just-too-adorable Happy Heinys Mini OS pocket diapers. I did the prewashes on my prefold diapers right away, and was diapering stuffed animals by Sunday afternoon, just to try and get the hang of it.

Because we did not switch to cloth diapers with Nik until he was over a year old, doing cloth with a new baby will still be a new thing to me. Once baby is born, and I get a routine down, I will be posting again on the prefolds and wipes kits. In the meantime, I will share some links for the interested.

A video from Bummis on how to use prefolds:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pVt7WfOyRE

A video I found on facebook showing the wipes kit (which is totally a cloth diapering luxury - love it!):
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1252250314770

And a link to a great review on the wipes, from a fellow blogger:
http://musingsfrommomschool.blogspot.com/2009/11/bottoms-up-baby-wipes-review.html

Also, stay tuned for photos of my new, stinkin' cute Mini HHs on that pokey baby, should he or she ever decide to make an appearance. ;-)

Ready

Oh, my bags are packed, I'm ready to go...

I have been procrastinating on the whole pack for the hospital thing. Most pregnancy books recommend doing this at 36 or 37 weeks, but I kept finding reasons to put it off. Part of me knew, I think, that once the bags were packed, I would get really impatient for labour. It is that mental thing: Alright. I'm ready. Let's do this thing.

I am so happy to be heading into this birth without the apprehension I had the first time. Fear of the unknown and fear of losing control dominated my thoughts as I approached my first birth, which ended up being a very difficult experience for me. For a long time, I couldn't even relay my birth story to another without getting a catch in my throat. However, in an unexpected way, working through our miscarriage last February helped me put all the fears and regrets from my first birth behind me, allowing me to approach this birth with the quiet confidence that I will be able to cope with whatever happens.

Packing my bags gave me the opportunity to align my emotional self with my practical self. I mean, feeling ready for birth is huge, and very important. But I am actually practically ready? A positive mental attitude can only get me so far. I still need clean clothes.

When I started researching the lists of what to pack for the hospital, I got a little overwhelmed. Every book and website has different items listed, and most are directed at an American audience, where it is more important to pack your own products, lest you be charged at the hospital for them. It was hard for me to tease out what I would actually need, and what would be a waste of space. Drawing on my memories from my first birth, some good information on what is provided by the LDRP suites in the Canadian hospital where I will be delivering, and the advice in all the lists I had read, I finally came up with the hospital bag list that works for us.

If you are checking out this post for practical reasons:
I say 'hospital bag', but that is really misleading. I ended up packing three bags: one each for mommy, daddy, and baby. You will notice I left some things off the list that many others have, like diapers, or a cd player, for example. That is because I know that these things are available at no cost at my hospital. Always check out what your hospital will provide when making your own list. I also have adjusted my list according to my personal preferences. I won't be bringing a nightgown or tshirt for labour, because I know from my first birth that I will probably only be comfortable naked, and otherwise a hospital gown is fine with me. I will be bringing my own breast pump, because I hated the electric one I had to use at the hospital last time, and I am bringing my yoga mat, too. Your list can reflect your own preferences.

Mom's bag - a medium suitcase

• Comfort items for during labour. I chose a number of my favourite instrumental relaxation CDs, a yummy lip balm (my lips cracked with all the blowing last time), and my yoga mat (packed separately, in a carry bag). Birth balls and CD players are supplied at my hospital.
  
• Information. I have printed several copies of my birth preferences for my labour support team, and have also packed my favourite birth book and a list of ways to help labour progress that I got off of the Dr. Sears website. Having my information along is a comfort measure for me.
  
• Maternity bathing suit. This I may not need, but if I don't want to be naked in the whirlpool or shower, now I don't have to be. It is a two-piece tankini, so I can always just wear the top, if that is most comfortable.
• Food and drink. Last time, I hated my hospital food (especially breakfast), and vending machines get too expensive. I have packed a couple of bottles of water, four cans of apple juice, dried apricots and granola bars.
  
• Clothes for in the hospital, after the birth. I chose a very comfy stretch pair of pajamas, my bathrobe, and spa socks. I like to be cozy, and nightgowns are so not me. I also packed a supportive nursing bra.
  
• Light diversions. There may be downtime, depending on what happens, and I may be awake when the baby is not. I have packed my knitting, and my Sudoku book, with a pen.
• Clothes to wear home from the hospital. I chose low-rise maternity jeans, a t shirt and a hoodie. Don't forget socks and underwear.
• Toiletries. This was the trickiest for me. How do I pack my bathroom routine, when I will still need most things out? Some things, like my shampoo and conditioner, I poured into travel containers, and packed that way. The other things, I cleared a space for in the bathroom, and will pack the day we leave. See below.

When labour begins, it is simple to grab the bottles, toss them in the Ziploc, and throw everything into my suitcase. In the meantime, I can use them from here.

Dad's bag - a carry-on size shoulder bag

• Comfort and diversion items for Dad. Don't laugh. Birth is tiring and emotional for men, too, and there is a lot of pressure on them to do everything right. In my husband's bag, you can find a bag of his favourite candy, his Nintendo DS, and the book he is reading right now.
• Swim trunks. These are good to have along in case you want your husband to go into the shower or whirlpool with you.
  
• Change of clothes. Let your husband pack this himself. Mine chose a clean shirt, and a change of socks and underwear. Other guys might want more.
  
• Address book with phone numbers, and cell phone. I am leaving the responsibility of making the phone calls to him, so I can focus on recovering and getting started on a breastfeeding relationship with baby.
  
• Camera, with extra batteries. Talk to your husband about when you would like photos, and when to leave the camera in the bag.
  

Baby's bag - a large diaper bag

• Clothes. These are little, so I packed quite a few. If there are any diaper leaks, we are ready. I have onesies, footed pants, and sleepers along. Also, a hat, because my baby will be born in winter.
  
• Baby blankets. My hospital has these, but they wash them with such harsh detergents that Nik's newborn skin was reacting to them. This time, I have packed four thin receiving blankets, and a reversible flannel blanket, that is square, and good for swaddling.
• Baby sling. I have a fitted cotton sling that will be good for nursing and/or kangaroo care after the birth.
• Breast pump and accessories. I have packed my pump, storage jars, and microwave sterilizing bag (made by Medela). I also included my tube of PureLan, just in case.
  
• Car seat. This isn't in the bag, but it is for baby, so I will include it here. The base is installed in the car, and the seat with bunting bag and extra blanket (due to cold weather) will come into the hospital with us.

And so, we are in a waiting game now. I just found out that a cousin with a similar due date to mine headed into her hospital today... My turn could be soon. Time will tell.

Nesting

Move over and make room for Baby
He doesn't take very much space...

Yeah, right.

Babies may be small, but they seem to come with an inordinate amount of accessories. I have been doing my best to resist the urge to aquire mass amounts of baby paraphenalia, but you couldn't tell from looking. Car seat. Swing. Baby bathtub. Bouncy seat. Crib. Bassinet. Change pad. Diapers. Baby clothes. Jolly jumper. Mobile.

It seems I had baby stuff squirreled away everywhere. In closets and on shelves in the storage room. At my mom's. At my brother's. Now these possessions are having a raucous reunion in the major living spaces of my home, and we are feeling the growing pains. Ours is not a large home. It was a major exercise in math and measurement to figure out how to best fit a crib, Nik's new big boy bed, and a dresser/change table into Nik's small bedroom. We also found a way to squeeze the swing into the floor plan of our already crowded living room. Every day we get a little closer to being ready for our fourth family member to make an appearance.

Christmas is over, and the decorations are nearly all put away. We told Nik that the baby would be coming after Christmas, and apparently my body was listening to that, too. My Braxton-Hicks contractions are getting stronger and more frequent every day. Baby has settled down hard into my pelvis now, and I am noticing other little signs of prelabour - most of which involve bodily fluids of one kind or another, so I'll spare you the details. ;-) The sense of this pregnancy coming to a close is growing, and with it, a sense of urgency to get ready. My nesting instincts are in full swing. Be warned: If it isn't nailed down, it will be organized.

I needed to get a lot of organizational work done anyways, to make space in Nik's bedroom for a 2nd child, and to make space in the house for new Christmas and birthday gifts. I got started in the office, first.
I put a lot of the shelf toys for younger ages in storage to make room for picture books on the bottom shelf. Nik's new camera has found a home here, and his new jigsaw puzzles as well.

The storage drawers next to his work table were reorganized and updated with newer and more age appropriate supplies. The large bottom drawer still houses his play dough and accessories, but the middle two drawers are dedicated to colouring books and workbooks in one, and stickers and stencils in the other.
The top drawer has writing implements of all kinds: coloured pencils, crayons, markers and bingo dabbers. Then I repurposed a tray from Andrew's paperwork area to hold blank paper. There is green, orange and white out now, but I plan to rotate colours to keep it interesting.

The next major space to tackle was Nik's room. First order of business, a real 'big boy' bed. On our tight budget, it was Jysk to the rescue!
We put the bed exactly where Nik's crib-turned-toddler-bed had been, to try to ease the transition. It left a little bit of space between the foot of the bed and the wall, which turned out to be the perfect space to put the laundry hamper, Nik's library books basket, and a small toybox (which is filled with blocks, small cars and figures).

Turn to your right and you will see...
where we put the crib. It still needs to be converted back into a crib from a toddler bed, but you get the idea. The dresser/change table just barely fits between Nik's bed and the crib, but it does fit, and that was good luck for us. I cleared off the top, and put the change pad back, so when baby arrives, we are pretty much open for business there.

Adding the twin bed didn't leave much room for playthings in Nik's room, so we stole some real estate from the closet for his dress-up clothes (in the large toy box) and some pretend play items: telephone, tools, doctor's kit and cash register.


Making space for baby things in the dresser wasn't too hard. I moved Nik's diapers into a trundle drawer which easily fits under his bed. He only uses a diaper overnight now, so this solution makes good longer term storage, too.

After that, I consolidated Nik's clothes into the two bottom drawers of the dresser, leaving the top drawer ready to be filled with baby sweetness. It was so fun to take the newborn clothes out of storage, and I had a few new things to add, too, thanks to some sales and a baby gift from a coworker.
The side cupboard is only about half full right now with blankets and the baby sling, which leaves space for the new prefold diapers and cloth wipes I have ordered. I'll be so happy when it all comes together.

One last main floor space that needed some work was our living room. We wanted to make space for the baby swing in there, since it was such an awesome place for Baby Nik when we needed hands free to eat dinner. Nik also got a fantastic wooden kitchen set for his birthday, with new accessories, and we wanted him to have a place on the main floor for it. We can't hide all of his toys in the basement!

Here is what we settled on:
Not exactly a formal living room. This is a room that says, "Hi! Welcome! We have kids."

I love Nik's kitchen. It is simple and sturdy, and there is lots of storage space for toy food and dishes.




















It is also right near the actual kitchen, and I am hoping that will encourage him to start more imitative and dramatic play soon.

Looking at the these photos of the only clean areas in my house (I had to tidy up for the photos!) makes me feel like I really am making headway with this nesting thing.

Now if only my hospital bag were packed...

Better in than out

In the last week and a half, I find myself having entered that uncomfortable end stretch of pregnancy. My hips and pelvis are sore and achy. My back hurts. I am exhausted, and having trouble sleeping. I have gas, bloating, indigestion... All the unattractive and annoying things about the 3rd trimester are really starting to catch up with me. So, I did what any modern women would do in my situation: I complained about it on facebook.

After stating to the world that my body was in a state of 34 weeks pregnant mutiny-meltdown, one of my friends replied: "Makes you that much more ready and 'eager' for labour!!!"

But, no. Not really.

When I was pregnant with Nik, I remember major impatience in the final weeks. I began my maternity leave at the beginning of November, and did not head to the hospital until the night of December 10th, so I had a lot of time to just sit around and wait for our mystery baby to arrive. Some evenings I would enter our perfectly set up nursery, look at the tiny clothes in the dresser or sit in the rocking chair and think, "This is a nice room. We should put a baby in here."

In addition to the normal new mom anticipation of my first little baby, there was another factor making me wish for the birth: I was crazy itchy. I had been unlucky enough to suffer from a major PUPPS rash during the last month and a half of that pregnancy, red and angry over my brand new stretch marks. I spent a lot of time scratching and trying not to scratch, rubbing my belly with ice cubes, and trying to ignore it long enough to fall asleep. When my OB/GYN told me it would likely go away when the baby was born, I could only think, "Well, bring it on."

Touch wood, but I haven't experienced any itching with this pregnancy. And I'm not really longing for a snuggly little thing to complete the nursery - the first snuggle-bug is still here. The factors are just different this time around, and even with the late-pregnancy discomforts starting to pile up, I am not yet feeling that impatience for baby to arrive.

I think my perspective has changed. With my first pregnancy, I wanted to get it over with, get it done, get to the baby part. Having lived through it once though, it seems to me that there will be lots of time with baby, and the pregnancy seems so fleeting by comparison.

Babies are so easy to care for, so portable, and so connected to you in pregnancy. They never cry, never need to be changed. There are no worries about how much they are getting to eat, or whether they are warm enough. You don't have the hassle of dealing with car seats, bulky strollers or snowsuits. No one is spitting up on your dress 5 minutes before it is time to leave.

Also, consider what a small portion of your life is spent feeling another life move inside of you! If the average mom has 3 children, feels the quickening beginning at around the 4 month of pregnancy, and carries to term, that adds up to maybe 15 months. Over an average lifespan of 80 years, that works out to less than 2% of your life where it is possible to feel your child from within. Less than 2%! When you consider that many women (and all men) go their whole lives without ever experiencing this sensation, how could I wish for it to be over all the sooner?

I am also still in the process of getting mentally prepared for the arrival of a second child. My labour with Nik was difficult, and my transition to mama-hood went over a rough road. Since then, a combination of time, information, and experience have soothed those growing pains, but I still have more fear to let go of before I will feel ready to face the next birth with confidence.

Appreciation of the briefness of pregnancy, and a more realistic understanding of what is to come... These things make it easier to say in the face of a possible 5 or 6 more uncomfortable weeks to come that baby is still better in than out.

10 things

When Nik was born, I had no identity as a mother. I had parenting ideas, sure, but they were untested, and mostly revolved around teaching good behaviour. When it came to nurturing, nutrition, activity, sleep... I had no philosophies or ideals. I really didn't know what we believed when it came to raising children.

I am still far from having all the answers, but I believe I have made a solid beginning. When we welcome our second child, I will already know at least some of what is important to us, and what kind of parents we want to be.

So here is my list of ten. Ten things I've learned, ten pieces of advice for the me of almost 3 years ago, ten rules for a new mom... Everyone has their own ten, and my ten may be different a year from today, as I am sure it would have been different a year ago.

My Ten:

1. Do all you can to be able to breastfeed your baby.
2. Food from scratch is better than food from a box.
3. Anything you can reuse is better than something you throw away.
4. The best toys don't need batteries.
5. At night, do whatever helps everyone get the most sleep, with the least amount of tears.
6. Say 'yes' when you can, and say 'no' when you need to.
7. Yelling is never as satisfying as you expect it to be.
8. Example is worth far more than words.
9. Let them be little.
10. There's always time for a hug.

Beautiful day

I put my all into my work. If I am signing my name to it, I want it to be good. And, as they say, all good things must come to an end. Because of funding restrictions, I eventually have to say goodbye to the clients I work with in the public autism therapy program where I am employed.

I get it. I do. The budget has to balance, and the money has to come from somewhere. Resources are limited. Clients can get up to six years of funding, and six years is not nothing.

But I forget that I understand when I have to say my goodbyes. Leaving a family who is losing access to services before they feel ready is a heartbreaking experience. I do everything I can, leave them with everything I can, and put on my Everything-will-be-okay face, but when I see the worry in mom's eyes, and the tears she is holding back, I can't just walk away. Instead, I hear myself switching into major pep talk mode, and let the overtime minutes overflow as I tell her, "You can do it. Believe in yourself. Never give up." Eventually, I have said all I know to say, and there is nothing left but to wish her well, and walk to my waiting car.

Today was a goodbye day. Goodbye, Mama-Warrior. Good luck.

The client I left today is far from my home, and I welcomed the drive back to the city. Prairie driving is deliciously mindless. The roads are flat and straight, and today was a clear day with little traffic. With the cruise control on, the car feels like it is practically driving itself. I have the freedom to let my mind wander.

Today, I leave the major highway for the tailgaters and semis, and find solice on the less traveled provincial road. I watch as a thousand tiny white butterflies dart in and out of the Manitoba wildflowers along the shoulder. I pass a few iconic green and yellow tractors, and watch the harvesters flip as they pull in the grain. There are cows and horses in pens to the right, with telephone poles zipping rhythmically past on my left.

The colours are too beautiful. Kelly green grass, golden field, blue sky stretching out to the level horizon... Glorious rolling clouds in the Land of the Big Sky. Bon Jovi sings me home.

I am sad. Sad for the family I left. Sad for the difficulties this thing called autism has brought to their life. Sad for how draining advocacy can be, for how hard it is too fight for your child, to get people to understand.

And then I feel a very faint and familiar wiggle in my middle. I know immediately that it is my baby, and I am feeling it move for the first time. On my own, on this sad and beautiful prairie drive, I focus on every flip and squirm. Thinking ahead, this child, too, will bring may difficult days. But today was beautiful.

Knitting again

*This is a follow-up post to Knit together*

As anyone who has experienced it can attest to, the time between miscarriage and next conception passes painfully slowly. At it's worst, sex changes from a leisure activity to a science experiment, and every subsequent period feels like another miscarriage. You don't just want to be pregnant. You want to STILL be pregnant. Each day that passes brings your original due date closer, and on the darkest days you feel like you will never be pregnant again.

And then one day, you are.

We got that coveted positive result one Saturday afternoon, and my spirit soared. My hands were shaking, I couldn't stop smiling, and my husband was thrilled. We called a babysitter and went out to dinner and a movie. I happily ordered a non-alchoholic drink. But I didn't start knitting again.

I made my first doctor's appointment. I told my family. I started taking prenatal vitamins. But I didn't start knitting again. And then, about 7 weeks in, I started bleeding again.

It was a Thursday afternoon. I was home with Nik, and my husband was at work. Nik went down for a nap, and I laid down for a little while, too. When I got up, I had to go to the bathroom. When I looked into the toilet, it was full of blood.

I was frozen. I just stared at the red water, not believing what I was seeing. We hadn't even talked about the possibility of it happening again. I walked out of the bathroom, in a cloud of numbness. I went to the phone, and called my husband, my mother, and told them what I knew. I called the local health line, who told me to call my doctor. I got an appointment for the next day, and he told me to rest, and wait and see. My husband called his parents. I called my workplace. Everyone was quiet. Everyone wished us the best. Everyone knew there was nothing they could do.

I didn't cry.

I bled for 3 and a half days. It went from red to brown and stopped. I couldn't believe it stopped. My doctor said it was a good sign and scheduled an ultrasound. I went back to working, with strict instructions not to do any lifting, to take it easy. After a week back at work, I got my ultrasound, and my husband and I got to see our baby's heart beating on June 18th, 2010. But I didn't start knitting again.

Something about being let down leaves a scar, like losing a kind of innocence. I married the first man I loved. I never had to go through a heartbreak in my courtship years. I know what is it to have my heart broken now.

I didn't really talk about the way that I was feeling. I didn't even really FEEL the way I was feeling. But I could see it in the things that weren't there. No pregnancy books by the bed. No talk to Nik about the coming baby. No browsing in the baby section of stores. No knitting.

As my waistband got tighter, things started to slowly change. I dug my maternity clothes out of storage, washed them, and hung them in the closet. I dusted off the pregnancy books on my bookshelf, and put some new ones on hold at the library. We started to talk to Nik about the baby that was coming after Christmas. And, finally, I took out my knitting, and added on just a few cautious rows.

Baby steps, right?